Ms. Persephone Hamm-Trotters
Deputy Vice-Chancellor to the Vice-Chancellor
The Lawrence School for Gifted Babies
Dear Mrs. C.,
Ah, the hustle and bustle of the holidays! In the wake of all the insanity, no doubt you are waist-deep in discarded wrapping paper and toys, drowning your sorrows in coffee and whiskey in front of an open fire. (At least, I am!) Our school was very busy right before the holidays, what with “Dreidel Day”, a visit from Salman Rushdie, and an impromptu performance of robot dancing by Michael “Boogaloo Shrimp” Chambers. All the same, we wanted to take the time to send you a progress report for your child, one JANE ELIZABETH:
Playing (Opening Presents) (A+): While still too young to fully grasp the meaning of gifts, Jane had a fine time playing with her cookware set, folding tent, xylophone, stacking cups, alphabet puzzle, plastic eggs, and a “Little People” playset. Regarding the puzzle, Jane was especially interested in the letter “o”, in both its upper and lower case forms. These she tended to carry around and munch. (The location of the letter “c”, however, is currently unknown. A cat may have dragged it off.) There was also a Cabbage Patch doll for her to play with, but as yet, Jane seems uncertain of the small fake baby, whose unmoving plastic smile is impossible for her (or anyone) to read. Jane was also quite interested in the book you received for Christmas, and in your husband’s new wallet.
Eating (A+): Jane quite enjoyed her Christmas dinner of turkey, bread, mashed potatoes, and macaroni and cheese. Her father also informs us that he attempted to give her some of his cookie as well, which she did not take to. “Dah!” she exclaimed, and slapped it away. Per her father:
“Oh well. More for me.”
Dressing (A+): Your child found it amusing to cover her head with her blanket and walk around blindly, tripping and bumping into things with shrieks of laughter. Other times, she went about covering the top of her head with it, reminding her father of a tiny Mary which he found rather apt for the season. For Christmas, she was rather cooperative as her father dressed her in a red dress for the occasion, only occasionally tugging at the ruffles on her wrists and collar, and later forgetting all about them in the haze of cousins and toys.
From all of us here at the Lawrence School, have a safe and happy holiday season!
Sincerely,
Ms. Persephone Hamm-Trotters
Deputy Vice-Chancellor to the Vice-Chancellor